Feedback and criticism can be scary. Our brains are hard-wired to go into fight or flight. But, the panic and defensiveness most of us experience when faced with criticism doesn’t actually serve us when it comes to using it productively (I’ll explain below).
A bit of knowledge and too much confidence can be a dangerous thing. When we have just enough information to have all the answers, we stop questioning our own opinions and beliefs. We close ourselves off from our own growth and learning.
Seeking feedback starts with humility, which is often misunderstood. Humility is not about lack of confidence, it's about being grounded. It starts with recognizing what we don’t know and/or admitting we may be wrong. When we do, we can start to seek help in those areas. It is key to staying open to learning, which is key to continuous growth. It is admirable and courageous (and not about incompetence or weakness). Plus, no one likes a ‘know it all’. ;)
*Disclaimer: It’s normal to feel defensive: We’ve all received feedback that has stung or embarrassed us, making us feel defensive. The amygdala, which is the part of the brain that constantly scans our environment for threats, cannot tell the difference between a psychological threat and a physical threat. Our survival brains love certainty, when we experience new or unwanted feedback, the survival brain does everything to try and keep us safe and avoid any threat or risk to that safety. It’s why we make excuses that navigate us away from uncomfortable feelings associated with feedback.
1. First, try to take the responsibility: Our initial knee jerk reaction is to tell ourselves it might not be true. Rather than getting agitated, or annoyed, surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, and look for the lesson. Practice questioning that inner voice saying “this isn’t true” or “they don’t know what they're talking about”. I like to call that initial defensive reaction my ‘inner gremlin’. She is trying to keep me complacent. Give that little voice a “thanks but no thanks”, so you can continue to stay open and curious.
2. Be kind to yourself (validate your feelings): Self-compassion helps to shift the focus of the brain from its default survival responses that can trigger defensiveness to a more open, receptive state, allowing you to better manage your emotions. Try speaking to yourself in the third person, to get some emotional distance from your thoughts. Tell yourself something like: “this feedback feels scary and that’s okay, you get to choose what’s helpful and what’s not”.
3. Think Like a Scientist: In Adam Grant’s book Think Again (a recent read of mine) he discusses the idea of thinking like a scientist. A scientist has questions, considers the evidence, holds any assumptions loosely, and tests those assumptions out. We often fall into; preacher, prosecutor, or politician mode.
A preacher tries to convince others they are right.
A prosecutor tries to prove others are wrong.
A politician tries to win the approval of their audience.
Thinking like a scientist and staying curious when it comes to feedback is key! Ask yourself: “could any of this be true?”, “what evidence do I have to confirm its validity?”, “do I find any part of it useful in my own growth?”. This is also a good time to ask clarifying questions to better understand what's being said and to encourage the feedback provider to elaborate. Some examples: What do you mean by…? Or ask for an example of how you could have been better. But, don’t be afraid to ask for more clarity.
4. See mistakes and tough feedback as learning opportunities: Many of us struggle to detach from our mistakes. Remind yourself that your mistakes do not define you. Mistakes and doubts are simply signals to where we need to improve our tools. Try getting curious and asking: “What is this trying to teach me?” or “What’s the lesson in this for me?”.
Remember, we do not have to prove to others how perfect we are. When we do, we can see ourselves as more open. People will respect you far more if you acknowledge you are an imperfect person! You open yourself up to learning. You open yourself back up to growth. This will also help the unproductive cycle of rumination that can sometimes follow a negative feedback.
5. Decide whose opinions matter and whose don’t: The people whose opinions actually matter to you. They’re the ones who care about you. They’re the ones who, in Brené Brown’s words “ in the Arena”, actually get their hands dirty. They know what it’s like, and that goes a long way. Versus the naysayers who are not in the arena. You have to decide whose opinions matter, and when. Be open to feedback, but it’s important to put it through the lens of our own values and beliefs, so that you’re not taking all of it as gospel.
6. Take the power back and put it into action: Take a deep breath, and think about how the feedback can help you improve. Remember, you don’t have to agree with everything. The important thing is to practice staying open.
Ask yourself: Is there a kernel of truth here that I need to acknowledge? If so, what can I do about it? Find at least one thing you believe could be true or useful in your personal growth. Then, let it go and figure out how you will integrate the feedback into the future you that you want to become.
